Tell you I'm sorry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM
Lyrics:

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are" - Coldplay

The science of human relationships is an imperfect one. Like Coldplay, we are just guessing at the science of making all the relationships in our day to day lives function without having them all crash around us at once (they are the proverbial spinning plates).  As I've mentioned previously (many times) there's buried treasure everywhere! Coldplay's "the scientist" is a song with a deep meaning. It's the letter we want to write to the spinning plate that broke when we dropped it. 

If it isn't already obvious, I'm writing this in lieu of documenting some outlandish happening when I was alone because I haven't been alone too much lately. I'm filling the hours away from home with dinners and spend-the -night and trips to the airport and long phone conversations about nothing. The snatches of alone I've had lately have given me time to reflect on little else than my thesis, stats class, reality TV (you knew that was coming!) and the science of relationships (friendships included! thanks Ravi Zacharias and C.S.Lewis).

So Coldplay had it right. Tell them you think they're wonderful, ask them to come back, tell them its not the same since they've been gone and tell them you're sorry. Sounds right. But all that comes across as the desperate plea of the borderline personality (i.e. Why wont you love me!?!). Ok so maybe we remember to keep the plates spinning by saying all of that before we drop them. Maybe we let the plates fall as they may but not without making every effort to keep them spinning. The complexities of human relationships are a phenomenon studied since the dawn of human existence. Stories,songs, poetry, all meant to narrate and explain the complexities of human interaction.

We all wish that life were as easy as "tell you I'm sorry." I know I'd say it if I thought it would help. Sometimes it does but sometimes we pass the point of I'm sorry. We cross the bridge of no return and burn it behind us. Counselors get the worst of it, our clients walk in with their relationships like ball of knotted yarn and they hand it to us, expecting us to untangle the chaos in 50 minutes when the truth is sometimes we can't untangle our own chaos. "Nobody said it was easy.....no one ever said it would be this hard"

I never invested time in a friendship I didn't care about. I hate wasting time being insincere hence my aversion to small talk. I'd rather sit in the dark then have to talk to someone about the weather (GAAA!!). I truly like so few people when friendships end..... "It's such a shame for us to part"
The few friendships that do end end because "I was just guessing at number and figures, pulling the puzzles apart." We don't always get the answers in time to save things and "You're lovely and I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it and we can't "go back to the start"

When we are alone, we fail to experience the adventure of phileo love. We live in the dream-like state of appreciation love where we can only admire others from afar. But in the company of others, the adventure begins as we seek to keep the plates harmonically spinning.

(Thank you C.S. Lewis for "The Four Loves." )

Never Alone

Spoiler: This probably won't be funny unless unintentionally

Because I hold to the traditional Judeo-Christian beliefs, it would be incongruent  to say that I am the reincarnation of someone who lived years ago. Even more far fetched is that I would be the reincarnation of two fictional book characters who were said to have "lived" at the same time. However, my daily life seems to want to confirm this suspicion with severity. I am a distinct mixture of Anne Shirley who had a propensity for getting into scrapes and Jo March who was awkward, strong willed and always managed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. (With the best of intentions bless her heart!)

There is hope for me however, I am not yet fully confirmed to barbarianism or anti-socialism. As Louisa May Alcott (my past life if ever I had one) would say, I am a very real girl. Jo March and Anne Shirley turned out ok in the end so I am hopeful!

The thing I love most about being alone is the time I have to reflect on the days "rights" and "wrongs." Where most men are said to live "lives of quiet desperation," I have a distinct knack for living life "Wide Open." In the openness comes the growing. Sometimes we need the alone-ness to grow. When we are constantly surrounded by others, the daily lessons that come get drowned out by the noise around us.

Sometimes though, the "adventure" of alone-ness isn't quite fun. But, you see, I am only playing at being alone and even in the quiet of alone-ness, I am never lonely. I have the luxury of saying "forget this" and going where the home lights are on, my husband opens the door with a perfect hug and my dog is happy to see me. Or I can pick up the phone and call one of many friends who get to see me fully and love me just as fully. So I am never alone, not really. And even when I am by myself, with me always is the friend that Paul says one day we will know fully, even as we are fully known. So I am never alone.

Someone said that the deepest desire of most people IS to be known fully and to be accepted anyway. In that sense, my life is pretty full. 


My favorite scripture is Ecclesiates 3v11 "For he has made everything beautiful in it's time, he has placed eternity in the human heart and even still they can not see fully the scope of what God has planned."


In a big way, it relates to all creation. In a small way, I hope it to be true for me. Life is journey of coming and going, of mistakes and triumphs (C.S. Lewis says sometimes the highest highs come with the lowest lows) and of constant learning. I dearly love to learn (and laugh, so add Elizabeth Bennett to my reincarnation list!).

Adventures of being alone this week:
1. Reflecting on how to grow from the mistakes I made this week and remembering the things I managed to do right as well ( I always celebrate the small things! "Did I brush my teeth? Did I take my pill? Did I hang up my towel? Yes? Go MEEE!!)
2. I felt something on my shoulder  earlier and I scratched it and it was HALF of a small worm ( I had been walking through woods) so the rest of the night will be spent wondering what happened to the other half!!

A good day!

Toilets, bouncy balls and shoplifting

The bathroom is a very private place. You are always alone in the bathroom. Even if you go to the bathroom with someone, you are alone in the stall unless you have kids or are weird. In the solace of the bathroom there is something I do, and often.

I drop things in the toilet. All the time infact. This is not a recent development either.

In high school I dropped my fur purse in the toilet (yep I rocked that much!). I have lost several cell phones to to a watery grave. A toothbrush (yeah.....), lotion, any shirts with strings on them are def going there. I don't know why I can't keep my stuff out of the toilet.

So yesterday half of my jacket ended up in the toilet. Its not even shocking even more. I just accept it for what it is and go on.  These are the things that happen when we are alone and we don't tell anyone. Like when I was taking a urine test and I kicked the cup over not once, not twice but three times in two minutes (three times a lady, that's me).

Toilets.... adventures surrounding every flush!!

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There are lots of things we say we will do when we grow up that parents prevent us from doing as children. Somehow though, between being a kid and being fully grown, most people forget them.

Not me!

I eat dessert before meals, I leave dirty dishes in the sink, I stay up way late, I definitely blow bubbles in my chocolate milk and I bounce balls down the aisles in the store.

That's right. Who can forget the allure of the bouncy ball? Make it a super bouncy ball and it is SO on.

At Target tonight I was making my way through the bed linen aisle (how very adult of me), thinking about the discrepancy between targets and my own definition of "clearance." On the top of the shelf was a large super bouncy ball, green and white swirled. I glanced at it, feeling the bounce in my hand. I walked on chiding myself for such immature thoughts. Two aisles away I glanced back. That's all it took.

 I walked back and grabbed the ball. I bounced it all the way through the bed linens, kitchen wares and dog treats before I encountered a store employee. I realized that at 25 there are only glimpses of the children we once were. I don't always want to say "no" to me. Sometimes we need the small "yes" to remind us to relish each moment childishly or otherwise.

Tonight, I was the captain of my fate and I chose a bouncy ball. A kid may be reprimanded for such actions but, as an adult, you never regret the bouncy ball.
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And finally, a prime example of the degenerates being bred in this small town (of course I don't mean that....). I went to Publix to buy my weekly allotment of milk. When walking out I saw two small boys, unattended running out the door in front of me. I looked around for parents as these boys were far to young to be left to their own devices. The following conversation proved this :

"Where did you get that magazine?"
"I found it, I left a quarter on the shelf"

That's right, the little boy stole a magazine but, in his defense, he left a quarter on the shelf in payment as if the magazine rack were one of those Brach's candy stands where you throw in a quarter and pick out a couple of pieces of candy.

The innocence of childhood. Next time I go shopping at Publix I'm bringing a bag of quarters.

Tell The story

Last year I read Donald Millers "A million miles in a thousand years," and it totally rocked my world AND landed a spot in my top five all-times. It's all about the telling of the story, your story and the story of those around you.

So this applies in a more abstract sense to me of course but, also in a very literal way.

I am not ashamed to admit that, more often than not, I narrate myself in my head. Sometimes I do it in the Slapstick-Comedy movie way:

"And as she walked into the building for her interview, she failed to see the enormous green rug in the lobby. Tripping, she lost her shoe, spilled the contents of her purse and rolled up into the rug onto the elevator ."

Sometimes it's the existential melo-drama:
" She stopped to consider whether any tree had ever been so perfect and if there had ever been so listless a soul to stand under such a tree. She sighed for a life where her soul purpose would be to sit under a similar tree and read books.  "What meaning would there be to a life of reading?" She asks herself as she leaves the tree and walks into the library. She imagines herself choosing each book and thinking great thoughts. She sighs for such a life as her soul deflates and she enters her statistics class."

And of course there is the part Animal Planet, part Calvin and Hobbes:

"The lion watches its pray as it moves slowly across the plain (AKA the room). She watches with intention but appears to lack interest. The moments pass..... The unsuspecting pray turns to find her graceful form coming down in the swift and silent attack." (yes its a bit odd, I've read my share of Calvin and Hobbes).

It gets worse when I'm by myself because, as previously stated, I am hyper aware of whatever I am doing when I am alone.

I was reading "A.Lincoln" tonight, a fantastic biography of Abraham Lincoln. I started to think about the book that could be written about my life. I actually think of that a lot. What would it say? What would I not want it to say? Sometimes, before I do something I think I might regret I think "Maybe I need to do this so when they write the book about my life there'll be something controversial, something to show my humanity, something to exemplify the personal triumphs I overcome....etc." Yeah so, ok that sounds like rationalization and I usually end those "intellectual" thoughts by challenging my own logic. 

All this to say that my story (like yours) is very important. It's not for ourselves, its for others. Whatever we do, good or bad, however we feel , whether we are proud of it or not, struggle or triumph, we need to share our story. I can never be accused of holding back my honest thoughts, struggles, shortcomings because they are part of my story. And the triumph that will come (hopefully) is only half the story. Be willing to be honest, with yourself first, then others. Others need your story just like you need theirs to remind you you're not perfect, you are not the only one, there is hope, there is an answer. Don't save your narrations for yourself, truthfully share them and find there is compassion, forgiveness, love , relief and hope. Truth sets us and everyone else free to BE.

"And as she finished typing she looked around the room She regretted that she got fruit punch to drink because she knew it tasted gross after the first sip but she just kept drinking it hoping it would get better. She wondered why people always want to talk to you when you are trying to nap and considered how loud she might play her guitar before she would be considered a disturbance. She started picking her nails and so we leave her to another long, cold night in small town."