Its not You...... Its Me....No Really

Sitting in a very hot plane, waiting to take off.

Minutes pass......

Finally the LAST passenger makes it onto the plane.

More minutes pass.....

The flight attendant makes an announcement, "The plane is overweight, would anyone like to volunteer to stay behind in exchange for a free voucher?"

Everyone looked around at each other but not one volunteered. This was an international flight that only flew once a week, on Sunday.

Finally, the flight attendant called a name. The women, who just happned to be the LAST passenger to board stood up.

"The plane is overweight and someone is going to have to go and well........ ITS YOU."


and that's how that ended.


It wasn't that this woman was morbidly obese, in fact she was rather small. There wasn't anything fundamentally wrong with HER, it was the plane that had the issue. The plane could not sustain her weight, not because she was inherently heavy, it was because the plane was overloaded.

When I used to feel the need to cut someone out of my life, I more than often attributed it to something THEY had done or how THEY were but, in this solitary adventure of  maturing (an often exhausting one I might add), what I'm finding is its ME that has the issue.

With the exception of the occasional borderline or co-dependant in my life, what I've found is that the reason I feel the need to cut them out is not  inherent in THEM its that I can't handle it.

William Glasser explains this in his book "Choice Theory." The reason we get so frustrated and unhappy sometimes is because we're trying to control what someone else is doing. We want them to meet our expectations and they won't/don't/can't.

So what I've come to see is, even though its cliche, its not them with the issue, its really is ME! They might be able to live with themselves the way they are but I can't! I can't handle the fact that they are willing to be sub-par or refuse to better themselves or communicate more clearly or more often. I find the way they talk invalidating or their lack of self-awareness infuriating. Their unwillingness to give me what I think I need in our friendship or their inability to discern it is devastating. Yep, those are all my issues.



Maya Angelou said "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have NO right to expect anymore from them. Of course, if you are in any kind of relationship with anyone you should communicate your needs to them but, after you've clearly communicated and made sure they heard you, if they don't make steps to give you what you need, then its only fair to assume that they are going to continue on EXACTLY how they are. At that point, the inevitable hurt or disappointment that comes when they fail to meet my expectations is really my own fault because they have PROVEN to me that they aren't going to meet my expectations. I am holding them up to a standard I have no right to hold them to.

So when I get ready to toss someone off the plane, its because I'm overloaded, not because they are necessarily too heavy. I'm not ok with how they are but THEY are. My choices are, change my attitude and accept them as they are or toss them off the plane.

Tossing them off is ok. If a plane takes off overloaded, its likely to crash. Its ok for me to say "I CAN"T HANDLE THIS!" and ask them to step off the plane but, in doing so, I have to be willing to acknowledge the problem often lies in my inability to stop wanting to control them. So now I know, a lot of times when I have to ask someone to leave my emotional plane, its because I can't not want to control them. I can't stop myself from expecting them to be different or better.

So yes, its not you, its me. Really.

P.S. I did put in the caveat about Borderlines and Co-dependants. There are more of those than you think. In that case, its not me, It IS THEM and they know it.