I suddenly remembered I'm 27 and its ok not to have my entire life figured out....... and other adventures

Millennials have been catching a lot of flack for the fact that their sense of entitlement has caused them to "expect" they will do something totally awesome and amaze their chosen field, which they will of course already have figured out, while in thier 20's. What experts and the peanut gallery often fail to acknowledge is that this creates an unparalleled amount of pressure for the individual. Suddenly every choice I make must COUNT, every relationship and career move must be exceptional and one step in the wrong direction could mean I've already hit the point of no return. 

Its EXHAUSTING. 

As I witness the end of my graduate career, for real this time, I am suddenly overwhelmed by the pressure to  reach my full potential.Tomorrow. 

Sure, I've been putting in a lot of extra time building up my CV (resume to those of you not in the know) and its pretty impressive for someone who has yet to leave school. 

But now, the security blanket of Grad school is about to be yanked away. I'll be standing on my own and wherever I'm standing it better be AWESOME. 

This reminds me of a story.....

Earlier this week I was on my way to an interview to a job I really didn't want. On some anxiety fueled, midnight job hunt, I applied for a job directing a University Counseling Center. My ideal position, I thought. I thought little about it until they called to interview me two months later.

The first interview could not have been more awkward, I had just returned from dental work and I didn't realize it was an interview until the end when I was asked when I would like to set up the second one. 

So the second phone interview consisted of me asking a list of questions and, apparently they liked what I had to say so they invited me in for a final interview. 

There was just one problem, I knew I didn't want the job.

While seemingly a perfect fit, it was the little things about it that threw up the red flags. When I thought about all the things I'd have to give up to take it, something in me cringed. 

But then, the exceptionalist pressure set it. What this was as good as it was going to get? What if turning this job down meant that I was meant to settle into mediocrity for the rest of my life? Couldn't I just try it on for a bit, I could put my goals on hold for a little while right? I should be happy to have an offer like this when seemingly the rest of the 27 yrs olds out there are struggling to get out of mom and dads house. This was an impressive position for someone my age, I could be EXCEPTIONAL.

So as I drove to the interview, I prayed that God would give me a sign, a BIG one either way so that I wouldn't make a choice that would set me on a life-long wrong trajectory. Right after I prayed that I passed a motel with a lit-up sign that said "Yes." I decided to shelf that for later. 

I felt horribly awkward in my interview clothes, I always do. My professional attire consists of blazers or cardigans and nice denim. I work in colleges, it fits.I made a mental note to go out the first chance I get and find some interview clothes that dont make me look 50.

I found a parking lot and got out to look at the map, it was caked in mud. I took that as NO. So far the yes/no ratio was at an even 1-1. The campus was beautiful though, like a movie, one more for the yes. As I was walking around struggling to breathe thanks to a lingering cold, I realized I was in the  wrong place. Irritation=No in my book so we were back at an even 2-2. I made it to the interview 5 minutes late and for 30 minutes answered questions like I was taking my state board all over again. No big sign that this wasn't the place for me, just a quiet feeling like something was amiss. On my way out, I found I had been given a "ticket" (nice try campus security, let me know when you become a real officer) for parking in a VISITOR parking spot without a permit. Lame.

And that was the third strike.

It wasn't really all those things and I never got that giant sign from God, like a call from my dream job waiting for me when I got back in the car. What I did get was a still small voice letting me know this wasn't it and an overwhelming feeling of trust that what was it, is out there. 

I was reminded as I sat in the totally uncomfortable outfit on an awkward sofa that at 27, it really is ok that I don't have everything figured out and I don't have to take the first salaried position I'm offered just so I can look like I have it all together. I'll just keep working my three part time jobs and I'll be on the look out for the right thing, actively, until it comes along. Who I am now isn't who Ill be in twenty years or even ten and there's no guarantee that putting myself on the right "trajectory" will put me where my 50 year old me wants to be. 

I gave myself permission to say no and to put off showing the world how awesome I am for a little longer and it really is OK. I don't have to buy into the "exceptionlism" and expect it all to fall into my lap. I am perfectly content to continue paying my dues until I work my way until I'm where I want to be. 

At 27, I've barely begun to know who I am as an adult, let alone as a life-long professional. So I'm going to strike out on my five year goals only, not be afraid of hard work and expect nothing greater than mediocrity, for now.