While not entirely alone recently, an important event has occurred that begs me to address it.
My birthday.
What's special about birthdays is that while they are celebrated with others, create a bond shared only with your mom and produce reflections on moments shared with others over the past year, they truly are moments alone.
Sure, I have great birthday parties where even the Peanuts Gang shows up to celebrate or I force a friend to wear a pink cowboy hat because he failed to provide his own (the invite specifically stated!) but my birthday is a day I experience as only I truly can.
Every birthday DAY and every year is unique to me. This year was my 26th birthday. Only I know the thoughts I thought when I woke up that morning and the reflections I indulged in throughout the day. Sure, every day is like that for each one of us. Our birthday is unique in that it is the one day that the world surrounding us assents to our demand for narcissism and ego-centrism. On my birthday I get to be what I hope to avoid being every other day of the year.
I wake up with the resounding proclamation "World, Celebrate Me On This, The Day of My Birth!"
This year I decided that birthdays can be very lonely days. While everyone else is going about their day in the bliss of the ho-hum, I awake to the undeniable reality that I am getting older and that an end somewhere is surely immanent. What is only the background noise of the second hand ticking throughout the year, becomes the gong of the changing hour on that day.
The failures, the wasted time (Gaa the wasted time!), the insecurities and the fear of the unknown in the coming year all break upon you at once. Where you were once able to keep them all at bay they have liscence to plague you without apology on your birthday.
And who but you will say, "This year I will do such and such better," or "This is the year I finally blah blah blah." Nobody makes your goals for you. You are thrown into the reality that a new year of life has begun and you must make the most of it.
Add to that I have a December birthday and so my birthday is almost coupled with the actual change of the year. It's pressure.
How does one cope with it all?
My strategies:
-I never work on my birthday, this gives the sense that the world has stopped for the day to celebrate me. Now my husband has gotten into the habit of taking the day off too. This confirms the importance of the day.
-I always have people around me to celebrate with. This reminds me that the world does extend beyond my existence . In fact my existence is more about others than it really is myself.
-With naivety and relish I welcome the new year full of hopes and possibilities and know that yes "This will be the year!"
-For now, I remind myself I am still young. (note to self: explore new coping skills before finding 30).
-I keep myself on a cake high for the entire week following my birthday. I can then blame any unsuspecting feelings of depression on a sugar crash.
Birthdays are the ego's bane. The one day a year where the Id and Superego come out in full force to fight to the death.
So this year on my birthday the redeeming thought I had was, "I wonder what God thought on the day I was born? What plans did he make for me?" Redeemed from the path of self-indulgence or self-mortification I spent the day musing on which of those plans I may fulfill in the coming year.
I am most certain they will be filled with adventures big and small. I'll be sure to document the small.
Until the new year.... (barring any small adventures occur during Christmas. Highly doubtful, December is made for grand adventures)
