Small adventures in being alone

2018 is over and I made it more than a year without writing in my blog. I thought about it at the beginning of 2018 when I went to D.C. alone but it didn't seem quite right, perhaps there just weren't enough embarrassing or clumsy moments to make it worthwhile, and maybe, I was just... busy.

I was really blessed in 2018 but it was also a tough year for me in many ways. Great things happened and bad things happened, there were times it felt like nothing could be better and there were times I would feel so depressed I would sit in the kitchen late at night staring out the window, lost. There were moments when the people who loved me were my only life line and there were times when I wished I could shut the world out, and my heart with it. There were times I noticed I wasn't as clumsy and then there were times I backed into somebody in the parking lot at dick's sporting goods or left the car in drive and ran into the fence at home.

But these aren't things I talk about, not online. I spent less time on social media in 2018 than I ever have and I was better for it. I walked the adventure of pain and joy outside the internet, in conversations with trusted friends, in long walks and heart to hearts with Shaun and Wilson, in books and music and journals and, not least of all, prayer.

In many ways 2018 felt like a year of out-takes, of retakes, of going off script. Of detours and wasted time. Yet here I am, fundamentally changed by last year, with new perspectives and greater grace. I changed, was changed, by life in both its ups and downs. So I thought to share at least some of the those out-takes, the behind the scenes of the little of my life I shared online, at least some of it. I thought I would remind you that living our best lives mean we grow from joy as well as pain.

I'm fine, I'm happy. I have more than enough. I am looking ahead at 2019 ready for my outside life to reflect all the ways I changed inside last year. I had some amazing experiences in 2018, I saw unbelievable places, I emailed with one of my favorite authors, I made new friends and grew deeper in relationship with others. I adopted two new bunnies. I watched my best bud miraculously become a mom again. I watched prayers answered a million times. I counseled a lot of people, I walked people through and away from suicide. I mentored graduate students and was mentored by people I respect. I recorded some music that I wrote, (more on that later this year) and was loved more in this year than some people are in a lifetime. I ended the year, turning 33 with a house full of laughter and fun from people who love me, and I ate cake and punch and life was good.

There was pain, also. For me, for people around me. There was loss, there was grief. There was rejection, there was pain. While I grow and learn from these things, I won't carry them with me, because 2019 will have its own lessons to teach, its own pain to grow me and great things to experience. 2018 may have been a year of outtakes but it is often these scenes that bring the biggest laughs and bring the most clarity to the story.

Deciding to do it again in 2019, that part I had to do alone, like everyone else. Walking it out? That's an adventure I am blessed to do with others. I hope you learn from the pains of 2018, but leave them there. I hope you laugh with the joy of 2018 and let it inspire you to look for those moments in 2019.

See beautiful places. Read books with big ideas. Be a voice where you can and an ally every where else. Remember how loved you are. Be a friend. Mean what you say. Remember who you are and, if you can't, let the people that love you remind you. Appreciate the outtakes.

To Keeping Life Magical

Melanie

P.S. If you want, enjoy my outtakes:

At some point I thought it would be cool to get a tattoo to remind me of who I was, I went through a season of people trying to define that for me online. It left me with a lot of questions about my identity and I can look back and say this was a crises. So I blurred it out but this was a temporary tattoo to practice, thankfully, I got over this about 2 weeks later and am still currently living that ink-free life.

One of the best things about this year has been my friendship with this guy. I'm pretty sure this is right before he says "wait" which is his signature phrase. I read "Love Does" this summer and He DID just that. He walked with me through a lot and we ate a lot of snacks along the way.

You are about the see a lot of pictures capturing the struggle of me getting a normal picture out of Shaun. I love these guys and so does Justin, obviously.

I could post this same picture, change the location a million times, our signature pic, two of some of the best and realest friends doing life together. Why didn't this one make the social media cut? IDK but this is one amazing friend who has brought joy to my life in so many ways and while I was stumbling through the outtakes of this year she has been living out a real-life love story, I love getting to watch it unfold through her eyes and I couldn't be happier for her.

This one did make it to social media but you know what didn't? The texts, the chats, the phone tag for weeks till we finally got a minute to catch up. Starbucks and dark rainy nights at On the boarder sorting out life, that's what we do. If anyone exists to remind me about friendship, its Dave.

Weird pics with Shaun take two, look at him giving that little woman on his shoulder a look of love. I don't mean me, I literally mean that photobomber.

I went to a conference and made a new friend. Ryan and I became Instagram pen pals, he's a fellow counselor and an all around great human! We avoided the photobooths at the conference but when the national newsletter came out, we were in it, you have to look very closely at the corner.

Like Shaun, Allyssa doesn't go for normal pictures yet I keep taking them. Allyssa, like me is a real girl so we talk about real things. She's family and she sees me "behind the scenes" and loves me anyway.

These three were taken over memorial weekend, a bunch of people spent the weekend at our house, we ate and played games and watched movies. We hung out in our PJ's and were WITH one another. We cooked together and laughed and talked, I didn't know it then but it was a weekend I would need to remember over and over that summer, to remind me that I am known and loved by great people.

Hey Connors leg. You could find us at camp, me Christian, Cara and my new friends Jon and Connor talking/walking/sitting/eating/driving together but mostly laughing. I needed it.

Every morning at camp before anyone showed up I would sit outside this building and read Love Does. The guy behind me would show up too playing super loud country music and emptying the trash. Here's me sending a "mug shot" to the finer things club, reminding them to drink their tea and that I would be waiting for them for breakfast. I cried almost every morning at camp last year, and most nights too. Right before this picture actually. But I was lucky to have awesome people waiting to be with me.

This picture never made it to social media either, it made it to the person who took it with me that day at camp though, we both said it was a great picture of us. Its the only one I have left... I deleted all the others.

Look at my girl, ain't she cute? We got to ride back together after camp because unknown to me yet, something very sad had just happened to me. But we had a great time talking and laughing and listening to music.

Christian assisted me with my writing projects this summer, here we are, pre-haters.

Another classic from Shaun

Found a piano in the corner of the art museum in Iceland, Shaun caught me in the act.

Here I am in an unbelievable place, out of a dream. The first part of the trip I was so down I spent a lot of time wishing I was asleep but not wanting to ruin our vacation I forced myself to rally. I got better after a few days, but those first few days were tough.

Is Shaun dancing, being attacked? IDK

Some more behind the scenes from Iceland. Nature can be very healing

What would I do without this man? Whatever happened this year he was right there to talk me through it, he keeps me calm when I want to be wild, he listens well and is on my team.

My beautiful, Smart friend came home and we got to catch up.

Wilson didnt want to be part of my selfie but Shaun did

This year we named ourselves the scandalous 6, we grew together and it was great.

This was at Jonah's birthday party, I was so depressed from all the drama in the moment I wanted to stay home but I love this little guy X a thousand, so I went.

Remember this picture from Instagram? I posted a body positive post about women wearing Rompers but guess what? Right before this I was in a meeting with a friend and trusted leader that ended in a lot of tears.

My friend Justin started dating a new girl, Kim and she is AWESOME! I call the time before I knew her the dark times because she has been nothing but a light and joy in my life. This is a great example of the time we spend together this year. We played a LOT of of Chop chop.

I bought this shirt because I've really grown in my feminism this year but also because it felt like every where I looked people were tearing each other down, I wanted to remind the world that we need to support each other.

My best bud had a baby shower and I went to TN to be there, this is she and her husband walking in to be surprised, they are joking with each other. They make me smile. I have the best best bud in the world. She brings me to reality when I need it.

Look at us, we hid in the hall to surprise a member of the welcome staff , she was surprised, but not in the way you'd think. Sorry Olga.

We went to the shooting range where I surprised everyone with my ability to take down this clown .

I got to celebrate Cara's birthday and laugh with these women.

Look at em.

These three pics were from the week of Fred and Vanessa's wedding, probably two nights before. We had a ton of people over at 1am playing Brazilian Uno, 6 of 5 Brazilians there were staying with us that week and we had a blast!

All of these sum up perfectly moments of friendship, sweet moments watching our friend's kids grow and being there for each other. P.S. no one but Shaun is good at building furniture.

At my best bud's cousins wedding. This one didn't make it to social media because look at the angles but we're just our typical goofy selves, life may have caused me to question some friendships, but never this one.

Christian and I recorded some music together....with attitude

We rocked Halloween/ Fall dressing as the 7 deadly sins and hitting up the apple orchard

The many faces of eating with Shyann

We made a slide out of cardboard and rode down the stairs

These two consistently showed me what amazing friends are and I have a billion funny pics of them to prove it.

It was impossible to get a good pic with Bert and Ernie

We took so many hikes and we all looked rough

My Birthday brought 40+ people I love under one roof and I loved it!

We went to the botanical gardens for our anniversary and I also got a rejection notice from something at the same time but I decided not to ruin our anniversary by crying all night and had an awesome time anyway. I was also very sick that day so we skipped our fancy dinner, got taco bell and made it up later that week. Shaun's the real MVP of 2018.

Look how cool we are

This guy brings so much joy to my life, I don't care how many fart jokes he makes. This one didn't make it to social media because I think my face looks fake here because the lighting.